someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
