You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
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