Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
