It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
