i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Randomize
