I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Randomize
