your thong is hanging out like whoa
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
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