Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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