I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
its not stalking. its research.
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Randomize
