Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Randomize
