Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
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