I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I believe in your delicious
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
