He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Randomize
