Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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