just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Randomize
