How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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