I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
