if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
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