I accidentally had phone sex last night
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
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