I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
