Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
