24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
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