grandma shit on top of the toilet
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
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