My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
