the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
talk about how much treatments for your hpv hurts
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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