dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
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