Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
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