Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
