What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Randomize
