I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
He did a backflip because drugs
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