The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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