Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
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