This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Randomize
