The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Green mimosas i think yes
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
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