I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Randomize
