I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
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