I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize
