I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Did I show you my penis last night?
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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