I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize
