I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
