I like my sex mixed with concussions.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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