so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I came so hard my ears popped.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
