I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
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