I'm laying in your front yard are you home
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
