My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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