Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Randomize
