You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
