I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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