its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
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