My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
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