As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
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