I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
Come on in and take your pants off
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