Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
