New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
