If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
She looked like Sean Connery with cleft lip. So to answer your question, yes I put it in her butt.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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